Why do I feel rejected so easily?
Rejection Sensitivity and Autistic Neurotypes
What is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) in Autistic and AuDHD folks?
RSD is an experience which many Autistic and AuDHDers have that is both neurobiological and caused by repeated experiences of rejection. It is not a clinical diagnosis. It can feel like intense emotional distress in response to rejection, criticism, or perceived disapproval. If you’ve ever wondered “why do I feel rejected so easily?” or “why does small criticism hurt so much?”, you’re not alone.
Common signs of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria include:
Feeling highly distressed after criticism or feedback
Feeling rejected even when there isn’t a clear or stated rejection
Anxiety or distress when anticipating rejection
Replaying social interactions and worrying about mistakes
Masking so that others won’t see the parts of us that have been rejected in the past, and might be rejected again
People-pleasing to avoid rejection
Self- gaslighting by telling ourselves we aren’t actually being rejected and that we are making up our experiences. Part of you is truly feeling rejected, whether it is real or perceived rejection, which means your body is feeling it all the same.
When we are living in unsafe systems or environments, some of these protective strategies keep us safe and aren’t something we need to change. For those with marginalized identities, safety may not be possible given the oppressive systems we live in. Sometimes we may also need to use these as tools to keep ourselves safe.
So, why does rejection feel so intense for us Autistic folks?
Rejection threatens our basic needs of connection and belonging. Yes, connection and belonging are basic needs! We need those! Humans are interdependent beings.
Rejection (or the possibility of it) can be really intense for Autistic folks because we have often had many experiences of systemic, environmental, and relational rejection. It can also be easier to feel rejection when our neurobiology has us highly receptive to the stimuli around us. Learn more about my experience here.
Factors that can amplify our neurobiological sensitivity to rejection:
Systemic and environmental*:
Having to exist in white supremacist, capitalist, patriarchal systems that weren’t built for us.
Being marginalized because of our identities (PoGM, Trans, Queer, Disabled, Fat, and others).
Needing to access spaces to sustain ourselves as humans that aren’t accessible to us due to lighting, sounds, social expectations, and other barriers.
*It doesn’t require heightened sensitivity to be actively harmed by systems of oppression.
*It doesn’t require heightened sensitivity to be actively harmed by systems of oppression.
Relational:
Other people rejecting our natural ways of being, with their actions and words.
*Relational rejection is fundamentally intertwined with systemic rejection, given that many of the reasons Autistic traits are rejected in relationships with other people are because of systems that endorse ableism and normalize it in our communities.
How to cope with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria:
Have repeated experiences of connection and belonging with others after rejection.
Engage in repair after relational ruptures where we felt rejected (if it is safe to do so).
Understand the stimuli for our RSD experiences to help those in our community support our neurotypes.
Validate our own feelings and experiences. It is ok that we have RSD experiences, and it is super challenging sometimes!
Find a neurodiversity-affirming therapist with lived experiences of RSD. Check out my approach to see if we might be a good fit for counselling.
Explore RSD as a “part” using Internal Family Systems Therapy.
Acceptance of RSD as an experience of many Autistic, AuDHD, and ADHD people.
Participate in organizing spaces that actively resist and work to dismantle systems of oppression that reinforce the idea that difference is a problem to be fixed.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is a real and valid experience for many Autistic, AuDHD, and ADHD people. Understanding it can help us move toward more supportive and accepting ways of being.